Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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