I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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