i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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