I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
