hotel room ftw
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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