I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
