it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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