My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
