I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My ass is underappreciated
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
