I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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