In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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