i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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