You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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