A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
