if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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