he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I pour the whiskey from now on
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
