I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
