I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
