Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
