im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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