Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
