I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
