just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
