You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
