I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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