I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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