I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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