No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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