I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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