How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just invented taco cereal.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
