I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
