the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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