I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
