Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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