i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
