Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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