there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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