i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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