I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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