is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
