it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Shame is for Republicans.
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