Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
