This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
