He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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