I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
