my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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