Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
