She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
