Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
