Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
